Grief has made a mute of me. I have not been able to talk. I have not been able to be who I am right now, or rather, to share who I am with the world. I hide behind a face I do not recognize.
Sometimes it feels like I have been shattered into bits. They rub against one another, shard to shard. The scratching and further chipping of the pieces causes sharp pains, makes terrible noises. There is dust accumulating on the floor and tabletops from the friction. Dust of me. Dust created from where once I was whole.
And then I am a stone. I have sunk to the bottom of the lake. I blink. No one sees me. No one ever will but the fish, other tenants of this murky water polluted with stagnant grief.
I’m having trouble moving forward.
I’m having trouble wanting to move forward.
I’m lost in the woods. Around me are the violent pops of boughs breaking. The grotesque lullaby rings in my ears. Rockabye baby…on the treetop…when the wind blows…
When I was a child I fantasized about coming upon rooms forgotten by decades of family life. Old nurseries draped in covers. The odd shapes of things obscured beneath dusty linens. There is the rocking horse. There the dollhouse. It seems like it would be treasure to find something like this. Now I have it in my own house. Her room, a monument to our loss, a place so difficult to enter I hold my breath as I pass by the black door. There is no treasure in that room. The treasure is what was lost.
I keep getting sick.
I keep taking antibiotics.
I haven’t had this many courses of antibiotics since I was a strep-prone child.
Nothing is curing me. I cannot be helped. I went to the doctor again and they told me to rest. Her eyes were sad as they looked at me. Her eyes said everything I already know. I’m sick because my daughter died. I’m too sad to be well.
How am I going to clean out your things?
I am in so much pain I think about driving myself into a tree. Just so I can see her again. Just so I can hold her.
I am in so much pain I fantasize about walking into the ocean and letting myself be swept out to see. So I can talk to her. So I can feel free of the loss.
I am in so much pain it keeps me anchored to my life. There is no escape. I cannot cut myself free from this. I am on a course and must follow it through. I am committed to being alive. I made a promise.
Can therapy help?
Can moving to New York?
Can Pilates?
Can nights out?
Movies?
Talking?
Writing?
Is there any help? Is this possible?
Or can only you assemble your pieces, learn to breathe underwater, fashion new homes out of forest boughs? Certainly only you can discover the depths of the pain, the grief, the loss. And only you can make it into your life. Break it with your hands in a battle of molding.
What will I create?
3 comments:
I've been checking your blog every day since February to see if you have posted anything. I wish there was something helpful I could say in response to your pain. I know that many parents who have lost children start foundations or raise money for medical research, or join grief support groups, but I'm sure you've thought about those options. I hope you find a way to move forward somehow that feels meaningful for you.
I too, have been checking back. Your words are so haunting, and so true - especially the last part.
"I am in so much pain it keeps me anchored to my life. There is no escape. I cannot cut myself free from this. I am on a course and must follow it through. I am committed to being alive. I made a promise."
Our situations are so different I cannot compare. We lost a child in late pregnancy - not the same - it will be 5 years Aug. 5th.
For me it was therapy and time... I told my therapist that I wanted to curl up in the corner of her office in the fetal position and stay there...I felt that way for a long time.... but I don't anymore.
Your body is mourning, which means it will heal. You will find your way and there are many holding you in our thoughts.
Heather, I've been checking in every once and a while. It was great to hear from you on FB. I haven't commented on your previous entries because I didn't think I could give you anything. I could only support you by thinking of you guys and hoping that time might help. But after reading this I felt that maybe this might be an appropriate time to hear from an old friend. I know it's been years since we last had any kind of conversation and we really don't know each other as the people we've become. But I do know of the young Heather that had a infectious laugh and a smile that made people notice. You were smart but down to earth. Just a real great person to be around. That is what I remember of you most. But as we all get older and our lives go in different directions we change. Maybe we become more cynical, or bitter. I can't attempt to help you with advice or a distraction to buy more time. What I can do is share with you what I remember of you and how much you ment to me as a friend. I hope to speak to you soon, meet your husband and for you to meet my wife. I hope to see my old friend again. -Brett Jordan
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