I have to pack the hearts away for a while. They beat too loudly. The windows vibrate with their feeling. I trip over them on the way down the stairs, they spill from the cupboards to pool on the floor. They multiplied so quickly because there was just too much feeling. There was too much pain. So the one replicated, over and over, trying to take the pressure off. But everything stifles. I need a break. I need quiet and the space to not feel so much. I need the brain to reassert itself. Am I trading one problem for another? What will the brain do with this information? Will it even know how to process the memories, what we saw, what we feel? Maybe I have to just let it have its shot. Take a shot brain. Deal with this. Will it sit in the middle of the house like a pip? The stone in the center of the fruit? Will it dictate plans and strategies and methods for coping? Will it attempt to parse out a before, a during, an after? Perhaps I should pack everything away. Pack up the kidneys, the lungs. Put in small boxes my fingers and toes. Clothe my arms with poster tubes and lay my legs in storage bins that can slide under the bed. I’ll put my head in the freezer. Why use any of it anymore? What good is it to me now when she is gone and I can no longer feel her in my arms, no longer make new memories for my heart, for my head, for any of it, to feel at home.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
What would Willa want you to do? What can you do to make it so she did not die in vain? Do you think she would be ok to see you suffer and torture yourself? Or maybe she would blame herself for dying and leaving you? Wouldn't she be happy and proud to see you celebrate what you had together by channeling it into sharing what good you have with others, especially those in need? For Willa and your love for her and her for you, what difference can you make for another desperate soul. How can you make a difference for others and do it in honor of Willa. Let Willa become your inspiration for making a difference to others that are here with you. By doing this you help keep her spirit alive and bring this joy to others. Did she love animials? Help homeless animals with your local shelter. Did she love to read? Read her favorite books in a reading for the blind program. Did she like baking goodies. Make a healthy treat for the elderly in homes with no visiting family. In honor of Willa <3 What would Willa love to see you do? Make her your inspiration. You will give great purpose to her life and your loss.
Kindest Regards~
i did not mention ~ I am truly sorry for your loss.. in a way my words can not express~
Thank you for posting again. I quite literally stumbled upon your blog doing internet research on Costello syndrome after a geneticist told me he suspected my daughter had a RAS syndrome, albeit in a "mild" form. I have a son who also has an autistic spectrum disorder along with other health issues due to different "rare genetic syndrome". Yes, we won that lottery twice. I didnt think it was possible. It is. Enough in the way of introductions. Let me just say that you are amazing. And your love for Willa is so beautiful, fierce and palpable. I hope that I love my own children like that, but I suppose only they can judge. You express so vividly what, I believe, many of us Invisible Cities dwellers feel. I hope you dont mind but I thank you from the bottom of my heart (I know you dont need/want any more hearts!)
Please get help Heather. Your last few posts- they are more than the pain your heart feels. They are more than living in invisible cities. Please talk to a therapist. Even if it doesn't feel like it helps right away. Willa is your joy, your life, your heart...let her keep watching you. Let her see your heart find joy again. This is said only with love and concern.
It would be a perfectly understandable and natural thing if your grief has turned into clinical depression. No one could blame you. But depression is extremely difficult to get out of by yourself. Like Cole, and as someone who admits that I don't know you past what I read in this blog, I put in my concerned and compassionate suggestion that you talk to your doctor and to a mental health professional. No one can bring Willa back, and no one can make your life what it was, but it's important that you be able to function, for your own sake and for the sake of everyone who cares about you and all the many people who are and will be touched by you in some way. The world needs you to be the best self you can be, whatever that means right now.
Post a Comment