Monday, July 19, 2010

Willa's Eulogy; A Letter

Dearest Willa,

I am at our desk sweetheart, looking out the window to the grass beyond, watching your birds and your bunnies, your butterflies and your flowers. The house is very very quiet, a mouse house, where all the sounds are littlier and the light diminished because you are not here.

Daddy and I want to tell you some things angel. This letter is to be read out loud in front of everyone who loves you because with all the hearts beating in this room the message will be carried further, will reach you on wave after wave of love and memory and feeling.

When you were home you generated our days. You were our rising sun, our endless moon. You made such light that cars driving by could see it pour out these same windows I now watch your friends through. The floors reverberated with you. You traveled over them a great explorer; from the dining room to the kitchen in the red scooter to the basement you would request trips to, to be thrilled by the darkness and cobwebs. The walls talk about you still. The sinks cry from the faucets.

Willa we have never met anyone like you. You taught us how to see the world with eyes forever changed. You taught us to see our lives with hearts expanded. Every challenge you were set you ripped through as if it were paper. Every hardship, pain, hurt, discomfort, limitation you bore with a smile and then a kiss, always a kiss as if to show us how simple it was if we remembered to just love.

You loved so much it made your heart very fast. You loved so much I think it wore you out darling. You gave us everything and we are so very grateful.

Thank you Willa. Thank you for signing “daddy” over and over, for demanding I bring you upstairs to the studio to see him. Thank you Willa for saying “mama” out loud, even the day before you died. Thank you for learning the greatest mysteries were contained in your MeMe’s purse, for knowing there are few better sights that Pop Pop in a funny paper hat. Thank you for taking into your home all the people who came to care for you, to help you, to give you love and to brush your teeth and to make you sit, then stand.

Thank you for making us better people for knowing you, because we are now Biscuits. We are better for learning about true effort, about true hardship. We are better for learning about true love, true laughter. You broke the boundaries of what could have been an invisible life, a quiet life away from the typical. You threw away all the maps on us darling. Then you made the new ones. We were all fellow travelers on your journey, we explored with you the life that could be forged from stubbornness, desire, hope, curiosity and sheer, pure joy for living. You had a gift for living.

Today we are here thinking about you. We are remembering your birthday party, your dress with the cabbage roses. We are remembering Christmas, Friday treatment, Block Island, the waiting rooms of the hospitals. We are remembering your smile and we feel again your light, we feel it continue to change us, to give us new energy for living, to forever change the boundaries we think we live with. Willa you are and will always be our rising sun and our endless moon. Willa you are and will always be our most precious girl. We love you.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing Willa’s light with us.

You are not alone. I can feel your pain. I’m crying with you.

Sending lots of love your way~

The Sanchez Family said...

I'm crying with you too. She is and will always be an amazing little girl with the brightest shining light. Prayers of love and healing being sent your way.

Jules363 said...

She was so absolutely beautiful. I was bought to your blog by a friend who linked to you six months or so ago. I was just so touched by Willa, and I will never forget her. I feel so sorry you have lost her, it's just so unfair.

Timp said...

Heather, dear one. I am so very very sorry. Willa's life and death touched and touches me deeply. I am profoundly sorry and sad for you, as well as deeply grateful as your wisdom and heart and ability to see the strength and goodness and glory of your little girl as well as her power and the power of your love for each other to change and shape and create in the midst of suffering and demise in turn changed even my life for the better. Arms about you and much love to you three.

Crittle said...

I'm here, Heather, and wish I could be there...even if only just to offer a hug.

Anonymous said...

I too am so grateful you've shared Willa. I will never forget her.

Kami said...

Heather. Willa is gone, but you are still her mother. You will always be her mother. And through you, and your letters to her, the world will continue to feel her beautiful presence. What a gift she was. And what a gift she had in you. I'm aching for you. Love.

Just Me @ My Domestic Experiments said...

I happened upon your blog. Please take my virtual :::HUGS::: and remember that you are not alone. I'm heart is aching for you and I am weepingfor your pain and Willa's Joy at being healed in Heaven. I'm praying for you to feel His presence and his arm around you providing strength. One day you will go to her and she will come running into your arms and you will be weeping tears of Joy instead of tears of pain.

Anonymous said...

I thought your letter was beautiful. And your description of Willa's joy and life is so much like our little girl. We cherish every moment we have with her, even though we don't know how long it will be. You will be in our thoughts. Thank you for sharing your very moving and courageous story.

Sarah said...

I just want to let you know that I still check your blog often, 3 months later, to see whether perhaps you had felt inclined to let us know how you are surviving. I know it makes sense to end the blog with Willa's eulogy, but so many of your readers have come to care about you, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like to know that you are still connecting with us, even if there is nothing we can really do to ease your pain.

invisiblecities said...

Hi Sarah, and all our friends who check in with us here. Thank you for your continued support. Your comments and words of encouragement, care, hope, sympathy and concern have honestly given me a footing I could have never known I would so very desperately need. I will continue to write here, I feel like I have to, for Willa and for myself. I need to connect in her name and for my own sanity. I haven't been able to bring myself to write for some time, I can't quite yet but I will. Soon. Thanks again. xx